The best of times and the worst of times

Two big things happening in our world today, the c-section date has been moved so the twins are now due on February 2, and it's Matthew's birthday.

It's difficult to know how to feel, on the one hand I can't wait to meet the girls and on the other, there's a sense of incredible sadness. If he'd lived, my son would be racing round in a state of massive excitement, talking ten to the dozen and making a total nuisance of himself and I would have smiled through every minute of it. Sadly, he didn't make it and January 22 will always be tinged with a sense of incredible loss and sadness - there's a huge hole in my world and it'll never be filled.

I was always slightly suspicious of people who hung onto those who passed and who raised the subject year after year on a birthday and I don't think I ever understood the impact loss truly has. Nowadays I do and it's a terrible thing, 99% of the time it's fine, a very private thing between Elly and I and we like to keep it that way, but for one day a year it wells up inside and I can't help but think about what might have been - quite possibly daft I know but there will always be a part of me that will forever wonder what my son would have looked like, what he would have done and what kind of a person he would have been.

So, happy birthday little man - we'll never forget you and we'll never stop loving you even though you were with us for a heart-breakingly short time x x x

On a happier note, the c-section's been moved forward to February 2 so we're only ten days away (Elly insists it's 11 but I don't count the extra day because my accounting system is different!!). I get the feeling I should be building/organising/preparing something but I'm not sure what it is.... :) Just a couple of jobs around the house to organise and we'll be hugely over-ready - in your own time girls !!